Genital Jousting

Most Improved Tapulator
Learn how to literally just navigate the main menu.
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Go Left
Move to the left.
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Go Right
Move to the right.
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Meet Your Maker
Hidden achievement
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Summer Job
Hidden achievement
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Fire Inspector
Safely deploy all the fire extinguishers. For safety.
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Early Bird
Swallow every worm.
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Sleep No More
Don't let sleeping dongs lie.
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Self Defence
Use the cake knife to defend yourself from wedding guests.
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Swan Tamer
Make peace with a gaggle of swans. Their natural instinct is to kill.
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Bulking Gear
Use all the "supplements" you can for maximal gains.
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Paperwork
Submit your monthly physical report.
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Popcorn Buffet
Eat a disgusting amount of popcorn.
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Appalling Appetite
Hidden achievement
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Clumsy
Die a lot of times in your nightmares.
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A Better John
Hidden achievement
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Master Unlocker
Collect enough milk to fill the tank.
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Couch Party
Have enough friends and enough controllers to play an 8 player game.
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Always Finishes First
Good at video games. Terrible at sex.
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Generous Lover
Finish last in a Party Mode game.
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Spare Wheel
Be the only one locked out of an ouroborus.
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The Perfect Partner
Marry yourself in Abstinence.
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My Precious
Get all of the rings in Lord of the Rings.
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Magnetic Basshole
Win Lights Out in under five seconds.
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Safety First
Everyone survives having sex in a trash-compactor full of needles.
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Till Death Do Us
Have sex in the Date Night graveyard.
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Autopaedicatio
Penetrate yourself in Traditional Mode.
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Fussy Lover
Save yourself for that special orgy.
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